Have you ever…

… taken the time to look at your life, or checked in with yourself, to see how you were doing?  Me either, but due to a tragedy in my life that woke me up and sparked the flame of curiosity, I took a look.

Let me start from the beginning:

I am not one to sit around and I’m known for getting things done. This just means I am doer, but I got laid off 3 years ago which drastically changed my life.  I decided to stay home and not go back to the corporate world. I was going to be a stay at home mom. I had an 8 year old daughter at the time and I thought she could use more of my time.  Well I forgot she is Ms. Independent and had spent the first eight years of her life with me working all the time. While she was happy for me to take her to school, I was not allowed to walk her into school and I had to wait for her to walk to the car after school.  It hurt not to being needed by her and I felt sad I missed out on so much of her life already.

I kept feeling that something didn’t fit or feel right but I could not figure it out until just a few days ago.  To me, a stay at home mom meant taking care of the kids, cleaning, doing the laundry, cooking, and lunch with friends.  That is was somehow so leisurely. LOL!! That is such a myth as there was nothing leisurely about being a stay at home mom. It is not that I minded the work, but I could still feel something was missing. Going thru this experience I found a whole new appreciation for stay at home moms.

Realizing my daughter did not need me that much and that my husband works long hours and travels often, I felt incomplete. Who wants to feel that way and when at the end of 2017 my daughter wanted a puppy I jumped at the chance. A puppy always makes you feel better right! I think the only reason subconsciously I wanted a puppy was so I would have something to take care of and that needed me.  Yes, she sure did need me, maybe a little too much. LOL. I love that puppy dearly and she has brought great happiness to our family but there was still something missing.

My husband and I had been trying to have a baby for over three years. I thought having a baby  would keep me busy and fit what a stay at home mom should be. We finally got pregnant last year and we were very excited about the good news until we went to the doctors and saw that there was no longer a heartbeat.  This was the second time we had lost our baby. We were devastated. We had worked so hard for this and once again it was taken from us.

I reached out to my friend who does metaphysical cleansing and readings to see if she could help me understand why we lost the baby. She told me that losing our baby was a gift and I needed to find my inner peace and purpose. It felt like a punch in the gut but I knew she was right. It was in this moment that it all finally clicked for me.

I didn’t know it at the time when we got a puppy, or when we were trying to get pregnant, I was putting my life on hold in order not to have to find my purpose and my inner peace. I finally realized for the first time that being a stay at home mom was not making me feel whole and I had more to give.

Thankfully I have been doing a lot a work on myself this past year and it helped me figure out  what I needed to do. I still want a baby with all my heart but I need to do something for me. This is the first time I am living my life for me, I am taking action by figuring out what it is I want to do. Today, I know what I want and I am finally willing to go get it.

I have a children’s book launching in May and I was going to put it on hold because our baby was due in July.  I had thoughts about canceling my book launch not because I could not do it but because I was scared and it was an excuse to not have to do all that work and be vulnerable.  Being that this is my first book, I really need to be doing book readings, interviews, blogging, posting on social media, and building an audience. This was the reason I did not want to be awake. It is a lot of work to launch your dream and it is also terrifying. Losing our baby was a gift because that experience woke me up and made me want to share my message.

I want my books to give our kids the tools that will help them later in life. Things like, how to handle anxiety, how to take action on something they want to change, and how to change their thoughts from fear to faith.  These are tools I wish I would have learned when I was young instead of learning them now. I am forever grateful for our 10 week old baby for being so selfless and sparking something within me to keep going and to look at who I am and what I want to do. Sharing my message with the world is my purpose and will lead me to my inner peace.

about the author

Keri Collins is a children’s author who helps kids and parents better themselves by making better choices. She blogs about parenting and kids’ issues, and offers plenty of tips and other advice.